Of course that wasn't my fault, and maybe I did recognize the fact that I was not being completely self-reliant and my peace did not have to do with my independence. But now that I am, in some ways, more alone, I realize that the process of coming to terms with being alone and being happy about it is just beginning.
Every major experience I have had in my life shouts: "Don't depend on anyone other than yourself for your happiness!" But it's just so damn hard when the happiness you've felt because of another surpasses anything you've ever experienced. It looks like I have a lot to learn ahead of me, but I can proudly say that the beginning to learning every lesson is acknowledging the fact that it exists and must be learned.
So that is where I am now. I am on the way to learning the truth of happiness. Learning to cultivate it within myself, to not be dependent on anyone or anything other than my very own existence. I am learning to be more compassionate towards myself, to give myself more time, to stop setting arbitrary deadlines for myself. I read the following anonymous quote somewhere and it is helping me to be patient and kind with myself on days like today. I hope that, if you are going through something difficult and trying, and beating yourself up about not getting over it, you can read this, take it in, and give yourself a break:
"The process of healing is not a smooth transgression. It's more like a lightening bolt, full of ups and downs, progressions and regressions, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides. Realize this and know that whether you are "better" or "worse" than yesterday-or five minutes ago-the healing process is underway."
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